I'm In Over My Head

Besides being the main line in a song I am enjoying right at this moment, it's also quite descriptive of how I feel about my life at this point.

There are always relationship issues to deal with. Haha. I laugh because it's like I attract complicated relationships even tho I'm pretty cool with pretty much anything and don't really consider myself a jealous person. I'm more of an "equal opportunity" and "all's fair" kind of person, meaning if my significant other decides that we have an open relationship and can be with another person, well, then so can I, and vice versa. However, I have discovered that I'm quite dense regarding romantic notions. It's not that I'm not romantic, just that I'm clueless about some things.

Besides that I'm dealing with generally enjoying where I am in life. And since I don't at the moment I'm taking steps to do so. This means looking for a new job and possibly a new place to live. Obtaining said job must come before I look for and find a new place to live. I would like this new place to be a place I can stay for a while. I am sick of moving every year.

And I'm tired. Always. I wake up tired and go to sleep exhausted. I have no idea why. It possibly has to do with my diabetes. This is getting into better control than it has been recently. But I feel like I never have enough energy for anything. Someone mentioned a lack of sleep and that's an obvious contributing factor. There is also the fact that I'm addicted to high amounts of caffeine daily, including energy drinks. They're sugar free, but hey...

I find myself not bored, but more uninterested in my knitting and crocheting projects. I've even found myself starting and putting down books. If I count them, I'm technically in the middle of 4 books at this point. I don't think I've ever done that before. It's too many to balance.

I'm bored and uninterested at work. Hence, the search for a new, more exciting job. But I have discovered that in searching for a new job, I will most likely have to push law school back another two years. Now, this seems like a long time. But I have discussed it with several friends and my family, mainly my mom. I understand people will be disappointed because I have already pushed it back two years, this is a necessary evil. With a better paying job I will be able to take an LSAT prep course and hopefully, gain some beneficial experience in another field of law. Know this: I WILL go to law school and get my J.D. I've worked my entire life for this. I have goals. This will be a slight detour, but I will end up where I want to be. Kind of like taking the scenic route, ya know?

I need to focus.

I find my mind wandering. While I'm at work, while I'm with my friends, while I'm on dates. It's bad. I can't seem to keep myself on one subject or topic or even with the people I'm with.

I want to write. I want to write so badly. I just need the time and inclination. I'm terrified of what might come out of me. Should I take a creative writing class? Options. Not enough time or money to consider them at the moment.

Focus.